This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?