This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you