This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.