[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.