Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
crazy
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?