The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Employees must applaud the planets.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower