this makes me so uncomfortable
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Incredible customer service.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
when you don’t want to be too vague
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Twitter remains undefeated
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.