*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You Might Also Like
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…