CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
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My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die