Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
You Might Also Like
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
multitasking lunch
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?