I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
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Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!