I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.