This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim