“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
You Might Also Like
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Denise please return my vape pen
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”