@AdamTheLobster: This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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@liv_thatsme: *1st day on prozac* Me: These are awesome! What am I supposed to take tomorrow? Doctor: That was a 30 day supply. Me: Whoops.
@LOsepyan: When someone says "surprise me", I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.
@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."