This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.