this… may be the greatest story ever told
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We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No