This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My first child will be named New Folder.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”