@Crunk_Jews: This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
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@RdrJay47: Trainer: Why do you want to learn jujitsu? Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.
@respected_loner: i hate when the news guys say "our nation's capital". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is
@EndhooS: [Job interview] Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn't notice the mustard on my shirt Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?