The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My inexpensive home security system…
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle