This might be the funniest tweet ever
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.