This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
You Might Also Like
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?