@MavenofHonor: This milk is so far past its expiration date that I'm only going to have a small slice.
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@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
@Piecezilla: My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@moose_chocolate: I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt.