This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that鈥檚h sho kind, thankshh!
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she鈥檚 getting ready to visit grandma too.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you鈥檙e six hours late
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you鈥檙e doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I鈥檓 not like the other girls. I鈥檓 a 37 year old man.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Don鈥檛 open any messages you get from me. I鈥檓 not hacked, I鈥檓 just really mean
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I鈥檇 thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one