this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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I’M CRYINGGG
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.