this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive