this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
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Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
welp
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
girls literally only want one thing..
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Tremendous stuff
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.