this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend