@mommajessiec: This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
@doublewenis: Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.