This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.