This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.