This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’d use my best pan on you.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.