@moose_chocolate: This morning I waved to the garbage men and smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.
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@shutupmikeginn: My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
@captainkalvis: DATE: I think marriage is sooo beautiful ME: *trying to impress her* well my wedding is tomorrow you should come
@zachreinert03: I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn't care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
@briangaar: Sometimes I'm playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over