This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.