This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.