*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.