This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine