This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.