This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school