When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.