@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
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@HatfieldAnne: Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck. Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
@errdayhustlah: I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@Lisa_Laughs_: I'd like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.