@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
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@TheDailySchmuck: 1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge. 2016: *watching cat videos*
@murrman5: [kidnapper hands wife phone] "brent" BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
@dreamthievin: No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.