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@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
@lecalabara: Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
@BobTheSuit: Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
@weinerdog4life: I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I'm crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
@SCbchbum: You'll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
@Fred_Delicious: [goes to museum of fine art]
"Just how fine can this art be, anyway"
[sees a vase in a thong]