@justinshanes: This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
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@kate_smithxx: I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
@JediGigi: "Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There's Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!" --dogs
@OreoSpeedwagon_: After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn't the worst parent ever.
@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"