This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.