I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Good morning!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here