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@Los1001111: This oatmeal tastes like I'm gonna need a doughnut.
@liberalcannon: How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
@kellysdf: Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.
@JimmerThatisAll: I don't know why these Jehovah's Witnesses won't give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
@iGreenMonk: When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm vegetarian."
@IrishVin: Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**