Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I think this should do it.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*