“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.