@mattZillaaaa: This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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@batkaren: "Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!" the game show host says. "Excited to be here!" I tell him. The host eyes me. "Are you?" My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard. "Light up her pants, guys," the host orders.
@Bownuggets: Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's "disturbing" & I "need to leave yoga," or "at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"
@skylerhanrath: [pirate ship] Pirate: Walk the plank Me: *struts down like nobody's business* Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you're one of us now
@causticbob: My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation. The kids aren't to keen, but my wife and I just don't want them anymore.