This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That鈥檚 how hard dating is holy shit
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I鈥檝e watched this 19 times this morning.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 馃檪
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.