This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.