this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!