“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner