This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”