This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
A short story about romance.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.