this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb